A God-Guided Story
Although I had not thought about Jesus since I stopped attending CCD as an adolescent, Jesus’ name came to mind. And not only did His name come to mind, but an overwhelming need to apologize and ask for help. All I could say in that moment was “I am sorry, Jesus. Please help me.” I fell asleep soon after.
I opened to the book of Genesis and began reading. I spent the next few days reading about 200 pages sequentially in the Bible. I had no idea what I was reading. But that didn’t matter to God; He met me exactly where I was.
One Sleeve at a Time
That day on the bathroom floor, after crying for what seemed like hours, my eyes red and puffy from tears, I felt His presence surround me. I stood up, got dressed, telling myself, no more body checking.
The next morning, after taking off my pajamas, I walked past the mirror. I began the ritual, but something stopped me. No, I told myself, you don't need to do this.
The Treasure Behind the Mask
I was convinced that if I could just be anyone but me, my life would be so much better. I learned the art of hiding behind a mask.. I thought if I could just hide the real me, then I would be loved and I would be safe from harm. One thing I know now is that God is not ashamed of me or my story. He loves me for who I am, and I don’t have to pretend to be anybody else.
“My Flesh and My Heart May Fail” But God
Control became my idol, although I didn’t recognize it as such for many years. I believed that if I managed my body, I could manage my life — and maybe win people’s approval. But the truth was, I was enslaved to lies. My identity was rooted in performance, not in God’s unchanging love.
To Wrestle with God
Every day that I wrestled with the Lord in doubt, denial, faintheartedness, grief, or grumbling, I can now look back on with joy, because He met me there, and He has overcome
Reframing
I sit at the kitchen table alone, stewing in my feelings. I saw a pen and grabbed it. I begin writing on the napkin. As I begin to write the words “angry” and “ashamed,” I begin to wonder… “Where are these feelings coming from?” and “Are they from God?”
The enemy wanted to steal the joy of that memorable experience and he knows temptation of restriction is the most powerful way to steal my joy.
Cleaning out the Lies
To embrace the beauty God has for me in our moves, I am learning I need to take care of the body I was given. It takes time, sometimes years to uncover and replace lies that we have believed for so long. But let us not give up!