A God-Guided Story

It is a dark, cold night in late January 2024. I am lying on the couch in the living room. As I turn to face the backside of the couch to fall asleep, I can’t get comfortable. I am physically weak, overly exhausted, and emotionally drained. Turning in for the night on the couch is becoming a habit. I no longer have the energy to climb up the stairs.

The words of Psalm 88:3-5 describe the pain I am in spot on: “For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the Pit; I am like those who have no help, like those forsaken among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand” (NRSV).

As I desperately attempted to fall asleep and turn off the pain for the night, my body fought back. “This is not the time to fall asleep,” my body communicated to me. I felt like these sobering moments were my final moments. I now realize that my body was shutting down. 

Although I had not thought about Jesus since I stopped attending CCD as an adolescent, Jesus’ name came to mind. And not only did His name come to mind, but an overwhelming need to apologize and ask for help. All I could say in that moment was “I am sorry, Jesus. Please help me.” I fell asleep soon after.

Over the next few days, not much had changed, but I felt a strong sense of guilt and shame about my past. I needed guidance. Clearly, my endless search engine searches for wisdom were not helping my situation. I was eager to know the truth. I was eager to make a change. 

The Lord guided me to look for a Bible in our home. I wasn’t sure if we had one, but I was determined to find one if we did. I found an NRSV Bible on a bookshelf. I took the Bible to the warm, sunny den and sat down. I opened to the book of Genesis and began reading. I spent the next few days reading about 200 pages sequentially in the Bible. I had no idea what I was reading. But that didn’t matter to God; He met me exactly where I was. 

God knew I needed a direction in life. He opened the door for me to pursue a master’s degree online through Liberty University. God used my first term to open my eyes to an issue I’ve had trouble putting words to since childhood: a restrictive eating disorder.

Although I didn’t know it was an eating disorder at the time, it bothered me how much I was struggling to complete my readings and assignments. Schoolwork had been a struggle since elementary school. In graduate school, I found myself drinking many, many cups of coffee, eating one small meal a day, and crying (a lot). The struggle with my schoolwork had reached a new level. I realized I needed professional help.

I took a leap of faith and began seeing an individual therapist at Rock Recovery. Shortly after starting to meet weekly, it was clear that I did, in fact, struggle with an eating disorder. Talking with the therapist about my feelings helped me to feel how hungry I truly was. The Lord gave me the courage to begin eating again. I will never forget the absolute terror I felt sitting at the table with food in front of me. Tears flooded my eyes for months as I ate and ate and ate… all the time. Tears also flooded my eyes as I watched my body change rapidly in the mirror. 

At the end of 2024, there was an unforeseen pause placed on my individual therapy sessions. I felt anxious to restart my sessions. To be quite honest, I had become dependent on them to get me through the changes. I believe that the Lord saw this growing dependence and wanted to redirect my eyes towards Him. After a while of noticing there was no sign of the sessions resuming, I expressed to the Lord that I wanted Him and only Him to guide my recovery journey. I wanted to be able to give Him all of the glory for my recovery journey one day.

Thankfully, before individual therapy was paused, I began attending weekly meal support groups. This group helped me to identify my values: faith, family, patience, joy, and acceptance. These values have guided me in choosing additional recovery focused supports, including the Holy Bible, my daily devotional, the FINDINGbalance Lasting Freedom online course and group hosted by Rock Recovery, weekly FINDINGbalance prayer group, and many Christian recovery books (1 Corinthians 3:6-7). All of these supports have shown me that I am not alone in this fight. 

My value and acceptance took me the longest to come to terms with, but it has contributed to the most significant progress in my recovery. Isaiah 45:12 states, “I made the earth, and created humankind upon it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host” (NRSV). In Isaiah 45:12, we are called to recognize God as our creator and as a sovereign God. Recognizing and accepting this truth, I accept that the Lord allowed my eating disorder, as evil as it is, to be part of my life story. 

Life would be different without an eating disorder, but the eating disorder created a level of dependence on the Lord that quite literally dictates life or death for me - to eat or not to eat. To survive this evil disorder, I must fully surrender myself to the Lord daily, several times a day, to get through each eating experience. And all I can say is I am more alive than ever. All glory to God. Romans 8:28.

 - Allison

Golden Retriever Mom. Amateur Nature Photographer. Greeting Card Lover. Miracle Expecter. Overcomer.

Freedom is not meant to be found alone. That's why we created the Hello, Freedom! Community, the Lasting Freedom course, and our Prayer Groups, safe spaces where women find freedom from eating disorders and food and body image struggles in Christ-centered community.

Whether you're looking for connection, a structured path toward healing, or women who will pray with you and for you, there's a place for you here.

FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.