Broken Plates

I have a confession. Sometimes I lose it. Like, "despite all that's happening, you have a pretty good day, then come evening, it's all too much, so you, in frustration, overwhelm, and hurt, through heartfelt tears, throw down what's in your hands, which happens to be a plate, so then it breaks and shatters everywhere, with a piece hitting glasses in the dishwasher breaking those too, so then you sit down by the trash can after sweeping it all up and sob," type lose it.

Friends, have you had moments like this? If I am honest, the days these types of things happen, line up with the days the eating disorder voice is the loudest. My chances of losing it increase every time I give into that voice, believing it over the truth of my Father. The lies the eating disorder screams at you can be so crushing, so heavy, it's impossible to carry anything else.

That is what happened that evening. I had allowed the voice of the eating disorder to berate me, and rather than shutting it down early on, I believed it, so the lies and anxiety became unbearable. They kept piling up, one on top of another. I had no way to hold anything else, because I was carrying all the eating disorder’s dirty dishes. So, I snapped, and those dishes shattered.

I'm not proud of moments like this. Especially when my kids see. Especially when I'm also yelling through tears on top of it - which another confession was the case that night. In fact, I hate them. It makes me feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment - along with any and all synonyms of these words.

Some may say I just need self-control. And I probably do. Some may say I just need to hold it together. And maybe I could. Some may say I'm awful or terrible or appalling - along with any and all synonyms of these words.

Maybe I am all these things.

But mostly, I'm human. I had reached the end of myself. In my humanness, I broke. In my humanness, I couldn't feel and process all the things. So, I shattered. Just like those dishes.

And then, in my brokenness, succumbed to my humanness - and realized:

I am human. I CAN'T carry it all. And I certainly can't carry it all with perfect grace and peace and dignity.

But here's the thing. We aren't meant to. You don't have to face the eating disorder alone. You don't have to face the lies alone. You don't have to walk recovery alone. You don't have to carry the weight of it alone.

Jesus wants to carry it for us. Jesus CAN carry it with perfect grace and peace and self-control.

In our humanness, when we try and continue carrying the burden all on our own, breakdown WILL follow.

Dishes will shatter.

But here's another thing. Jesus is with us in the beautiful mess that is recovery. When we forget to hand him the plates, he will be there to help us pick up the pieces. He will be there to help us sweep up the shards of shattered hopes and broken expectations.

Jesus isn’t afraid of mess..

He came to fix the messes. He came to pick up the pieces. He came to sweep up those tiny pieces that cut and poke and tear. He came to be fully and utterly broken so that I don't have to be. He came to heal us and make us whole. He came to walk with us in recovery.

And he came to carry the plates.

If I did anything wrong in this, it's that I didn't hand Jesus the plates sooner. I didn't give them to him before I broke them. I didn't let him carry the load before it crushed me.

I didn't hand him the eating disorder lies so I could be embraced by His truth.

So today, if you're feeling like all your plates may fall and shatter, or that you may just shatter them yourself...

Hand Jesus the dishes.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Emily Kulp

Jesus follower. Wife. Homeschool mom. Mental health advocate. ED warrior. Suicide loss survivor. Music and nature lover. Overcomer.

Could you relate to this story? Maybe parts of it felt familiar or reminded you that others truly understand what you're walking through. That's why we created the Hello, Freedom! Community, a safe space where women gather to find freedom from eating disorders and food and body image struggles in Christ-centered community.

Whether you're looking for connection, prayer, or ongoing encouragement, there's a place for you here.

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FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.