Lessons from Backsliding
I’m so thankful that I backslid. I learned so many things that hadn’t sunk in during my first round of recovery.
After a couple good months since my recovery program had ended, I found myself once again deeply struggling with guilt and shame around food and exercise. On top of that, I was carrying extra guilt I searched for ways to make up for my failures and “please” the Lord. I could not hear the voice of God over my spiraling thoughts.
I called a friend to share this, and she prayed over me. After hanging up, I felt — despite some tears — lighter and full of clarity. I asked the Lord to speak to me, and He answered me immediately:
Rest in Me. I am your Father, holding you to Myself.
I felt as though I was sitting with my head on His lap as He spoke life back into me. He gave me several beautiful reminders:
1. Rejoice in the ever-increasing speed of returning to Him.
The Lord promised me that I would get through this backslide. He reminded me that my first round of recovery took a whole year. One whole year to (1) fully admit that I am actually struggling and powerless over my disordered eating; (2) trust God to restore me; (3) confess and break harmful habits; (4) bring community alongside me; (5) and pursue radical honesty with my sin.
This time, it only took me a few weeks to notice my old thought patterns and declare that I no longer wanted to live that way. I had already asked the Lord for help, sought friends for confession and prayer, and reached out to my eating coach. How much more quickly I was learning to return to Him!
2. Release the false hope of perfection.
Next, He gently corrected me about my false hope that I would never backslide — a hope that had deceived me into thinking I could get free and stay free without a single regression. He reminded me the path to freedom usually includes relapse, but that each relapse can teach me more about my thought patterns.
He reminded me that during my first year of my recovery, I had done the hard work. Now, with time, He would work this new way of thinking and living more deeply into my heart. I felt so light seeing my journey through His eyes and receiving the grace to accept these moments of backsliding and returning — not with condemnation, but actually as part of the process. I trusted that He can already see my whole journey and is nothing but pleased with me as I go along.
3. Most important - trust HIM to hold my healing for me.
He brought the verse Philippians 1:6 to my mind:
“He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.”
He also reminded me of a quote by Andrew Murray from his book, Absolute Surrender:
“When God has begun to work of absolute surrender in you, and when God has accepted your surrender, then God holds Himself bound to care for it and to keep it. Will you believe that?”
4. Denounce lies about my usefulness.
I had been believing that I am of no use to Him until I am healed. He reminded me of all the ways I have participated in His work — even in the midst of my own struggles.
“I am glad you desire more capacity for Me to work in you, but haven’t you read My book? I have always moved in broken people for My glory.” What a relief to remember that it is HIS work, not mine!
5. Stay vigilant while remaining secure in the work of Jesus.
The Lord reminded me to be mindful of the enemy. Of course Evil wants to disrupt the deeper trust and calling that were beginning to arise from the peace of my recovery. The work of Jesus, within which I rest securely, is strong enough to hold back the power of Satan. My Father promised that He would help me learn the difference between His voice in my recovery journey, and the ways Satan attempts to twist my efforts with guilt, confusion, and shaming misdirection.
I hurried to write all of this down upon hearing. I hope any part of my experience can be helpful when facing seasons of regression and disappointment during, or after, recovery.
My recovery program was the first time in my life I admitted that I am powerless on my own against my disordered eating. However, I am actually thankful for this “relapse,” because in a much deeper way than I was even able to admit during the program, I feel brought low. And not brought low in a negative sense, but actually in a very relieving sense — to be held by Him, kept small, relieved from prideful denial of my brokenness. Beholden to His grace.
I am powerless and deeply dependent on Him to hold my healing and to transform my heart to desire His Kingdom over the false peace of controlling my body.
Allowing ourselves to be able to be broken and still okay is a strange but peaceful place to be. And we can trust the God who promises in His word that we are free and that He will sanctify us completely.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)
“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:22-24)
Alexandra
Lover of Jesus. Nature Enthusiast. Book Nerd. Thinker. Overcomer
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