“My Flesh and My Heart May Fail” But God
Growing up, I believed that being a “good Christian girl” meant following all the rules. So, I followed every rule those in authority over me set, working hard to earn the favour and approval of others. I quickly realized that I could work hard, I could achieve, and would undoubtedly get noticed. No one asked about my heart; they only recognized my performance. On the surface, it seemed my obedience to the rules was working for me; people liked and noticed me! I carried this achievement-oriented, people-pleasing mindset into adulthood.
One of the “markers of success” I picked up in my early teen years was that a large body meant little self-control. Following a self-made list of rules about what I could and could not eat, I worked hard to stay small, and people praised me for it. But those “good” rules quickly became chains. I thought about food constantly. I dreaded eating with friends. I shrank physically and emotionally, telling everyone I was “fine,” while inside I was exhausted, fearful, and lonely.
Control became my idol, although I didn’t recognize it as such for many years. I believed that if I managed my body, I could manage my life, and maybe win people’s approval. But the truth was, I was enslaved to lies. My identity was rooted in performance, not in God’s unchanging love.
After years of pretending I was “fine,” and convinced I had everything “under control,” I hit a low point and was diagnosed with anorexia. I reluctantly engaged with an eating disorder recovery group, still convinced that I would fix this and get on with my regular life. Thus began a long road of ups and downs, of confusion and denial, searching endlessly for a solution.
A turning point came when I allowed God into my story. Of course, He had been there all along, but for years and even in recovery, I resisted His care. I kept looking to myself - my abilities, my intellect, my accomplishments - to achieve perfection. Yes, I was, for a time, convinced I could recover from an eating disorder “perfectly,” that I could do this better and faster than others. I could work hard; I could achieve; I would be noticed. Do you see how those old lies of self-reliance crept right back into my mind? Once again, I was trusting in myself to be what only Jesus could be. He is the Saviour; He is my Saviour.
After hitting another low and “accidentally” hearing about them, I reached out to FINDINGbalance. At that point, to my knowledge, they were the only Christian organization who were supporting Christian women struggling with eating disorders. Everything about this program —meeting online in a group setting, sharing my struggle with food—seemed scary to me; I wasn’t entirely convinced it would work either. But I was curious, and as I opened my heart ever so slightly to God’s voice, His grace came flooding in! The speakers on the weekly webinars were like a healing balm to my soul. They spoke words of encouragement and, through the teaching of Scripture, helped me see that God’s love for me has nothing to do with my performance. I learned that God’s love for me wasn’t based on me at all—not on my performance, perfection, or achievements; God’s love was simply placed on me. I am a daughter of the King and nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:37-39)! I learned that God’s Word speaks to the deepest needs of our hurting and overwhelmed hearts.
Healing didn’t come overnight, but slowly God restored me. Over these years, I’ve learned that His grace is greater than my failures, and His Word is alive and able to reshape my thinking. Psalm 73:26 has become an anchor: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” No matter the extent or intensity of our struggle, when God steps in, transformation begins! God’s strength never wavers. His power is most clearly seen in our weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9-10). He knows what we need, when we need it, and how much we need! God is good and God is sovereign in any and every situation.
Our culture's promises of success — perfect bodies, the approval of others, and financial security (to name a few) — will always disappoint. These achievements will not satisfy for long. They continually demand more of us; they drain us of strength. But God is always enough. When we root ourselves in His Word and surrender all the aspects of our lives to Him, we grow deep roots that can withstand the storms of life.
- Rebecca Feere
Daughter of the King, Life-long Learner, Transformed by Grace, Mom and Wife, Growing in Grace, Clinging to Truth. Prayer Group Leader. Overcomer.
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FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.