Reframing
A memorable meal out with a loved one often triggers some of the strongest feelings and eating disorder thoughts. There was a time during my recovery journey when these strong feelings and thoughts occurred during the meal and caused me to disconnect from the experience. Recently, I have been experiencing a new challenge: dealing with strong feelings and thoughts after the meal, but not immediately after the meal… hours later, when it is time to refuel.
This happened just this past weekend after a delightful lunch out with my Spanish teacher from high school. Her humor and love helped me get through some rough years, and I am incredibly thankful that we have been able to stay connected over the years. In my time since high school, I discovered she is a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, and I am confident that He brought us together. Thank you, Lord.
We met at the restaurant at noon and embraced one another with a big hug. Then, we got in line, ordered our meals, and headed to the table. We sat down and immediately began catching up as we dove into our meals. We both commented about how neither of us had been to this restaurant in a while and how good the food was! As we ate and chatted, a few eating disorder thoughts whispered into my ear. Notice I said whispered - the voice was rather soft, which is a huge improvement from even the last meal she and I shared out together. Praise the Lord for this progress! He helped me to refocus my attention on listening to, responding to, and enjoying her presence. That is why we are having lunch together, isn’t it?
After the meal, we hugged goodbye and expressed excitement about the next time the Lord brings us together. As I drove away, the eating disorder popped up sneakily. It encouraged me to run an errand at a specific store where I know I could get my steps in. While considering this choice, the power of the Holy Spirit offers another option. This option was to get a car wash, which is something that actually needed to be done. A car wash would require sitting in the car and driving 15 minutes in the opposite direction from my home to get it done. No exercise included. I am challenged with a choice. I made the courageous choice to follow the Holy Spirit, not the eating disorder.
I arrive home and feel filled with love from lunch out with my former Spanish teacher turned friend, and powerful for going against the eating disorder. These feelings make me feel energized. This energy carries me through the tasks I need to accomplish that afternoon.
The feelings begin to wear off when I feel some of my personal hunger cues surfacing. Without hesitation, I glance at the clock on the microwave for permission to eat. I think to myself, “Has enough time passed to eat?” and “That was a pretty big lunch… do I really need a snack today? Dinner is in a few hours.” While I end up having the snack, this does not occur until my hunger cues overpower the fear of making “the wrong choice.” As I sit with my snack, I feel angry with myself for feeling any hunger after eating a larger lunch than usual. Although I feel angry, I sit with my snack and remind myself that I committed to accepting the way God created my body. God created me to eat when I am hungry.
Dinner time rolls around, and I am still experiencing that same feeling of anger I felt before, during, and honestly after my snack. I think about pushing dinner time to later, making a dinner that “compensates” for the lunch I had, and restricting my intake. All these options are possible because I am on my own for dinner tonight. I remember my commitment to accepting the way God created my body. God created me to embody the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Choosing to control my dinner with any of the tricks that were popping into my mind surely would lead to me being under-fueled, and let’s just say… moody. No matter how angry I was that I had to eat dinner, I trusted that God would use this food for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28). I needed to trust Him.
Well, I enjoyed my lunch out and got through the snack and dinner. Now I am not only angry, but I am also feeling ashamed for eating. I sit at the kitchen table alone, stewing in my feelings. I saw a pen and grabbed it. I begin writing on the napkin.
As I begin to write the words “angry” and “ashamed,” I begin to wonder… “Where are these feelings coming from?” and “Are they from God?”
I concluded that these feelings came from the enemy. I am not angry about eating a delicious lunch out with a friend, but the enemy is angry that I enjoyed fellowship with my sister in Christ. The enemy wanted to steal the joy of that memorable experience. The enemy knows that the temptation of restriction is the most powerful way to steal my joy.
Psalm 32:6-7 reminds me, “Therefore let all who are faithful offer prayer to you; at a time of distress, the rush of mighty waters shall not reach them. You are a hiding-place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with glad cries of deliverance” (NRSV).
I am happy to report that today is now Tuesday. I look back to that Saturday evening and see how faithful our Lord is. I look back on that meal out with joy, no longer anger and shame. The extra energy from that meal and the ones that followed allowed me to participate in unexpected events that arose, presented only by the Lord. His plans will always be greater than mine. I choose His.
- Allison
Golden Retriever Mom. Amateur Nature Photographer. Greeting Card Lover. Miracle Expecter. Overcomer.
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FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.