One Sleeve at a Time

I'll never forget the day it happened. I'd been struggling with a relapse of sorts. I wasn't cutting foods. I was doing my best to eat all the things (and enjoy them). I was even enjoying sea salt dark chocolates again (heaven in your mouth). But when it came to body image, I was at the lowest I've ever been.

Body dysmorphia is a mental prison. I'd been locked in it for so long, it had become my normal. I’d lost the key and gave up looking.

Stare in the mirror and pick apart perceived flaws? Check

Pinch and pull at my flesh? Check

Berate myself for not being tight and toned? Double check

Body checking became part of my daily routine. I would spend upwards of an hour twisting and contorting my body, willing it to look and be different. I'd stand close to the mirror, far from the mirror, in front of my dresser mirror, my bathroom mirror, in low light, in bright light. I would even stand on the edge of the tub so I could get a full view of myself.

It was exhausting. I knew it wasn't healthy. Most times, I'd be doing it through tears, yet I couldn't stop. I was an addict. It was my drug. The more I did it, the more I needed it. I did it multiple times a day. I thought if I did, I would feel better. But it never made me feel better, it only made me feel worse. It only made the lies of the enemy drown out the truth of Jesus. The truth that whispered to me every body checking session:

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, (Psalm 139:14)

You are mine. (John 10:28)

You were made with a purpose. (Ephesians 2:10)

I love you. (John 3:16, Jeremiah 31:3)

I have a sign in my bathroom that says: “Your mind is a garden; your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds." It followed up with "take every thought captive" from 2 Corinthians 10:5.

That sign stared at me while I performed my ritual. I'd read it many times yet wasn't following its advice.

I wasn't taking my thoughts captive; I was spewing them all over the mirror and myself. I wasn't growing flowers. Not even one. My garden was overgrown with weeds.

I was tired. I was tired of fighting my body. I was tired of hating my body. I was even more tired of the time I was spending on this process.

I love Jesus, but I'd forgotten He loves me. One day, I screamed out:

Jesus. I can't do this anymore. Please help me.

Christ promises that if we call to Him, He will answer. He hears us and cares about our pain.

 “And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him.  And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.” 1 John 5:14-15 (NLT)

He will never leave or forsake us. Even when we push Him away by choosing lies over truth.

 For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you’.” Hebrews 13:5b (NLT)

That day on the bathroom floor, after crying for what seemed like hours, my eyes red and puffy from tears, I felt His presence surround me. I stood up, got dressed, telling myself, no more body checking.

The next morning, after taking off my pajamas, I walked past the mirror. I began the ritual, but something stopped me. No, I told myself, you don't need to do this.

So, I pulled my shirt over my head, and put it on, one sleeve at a time. Then, I put on my shorts, praying the entire time; praying for strength to remember Truth when the lies came.

The day went by. I homeschooled my kids. I did laundry (because when are we not). I did errands, ate lunch with my kids, cleaned up, and swept the floor. I listened to a podcast, prepped dinner, and laughed with my family. I hugged everyone good night. I undressed, put on my pajamas, and went to sleep.

The next morning, when I woke up, I began praying those prayers again. I was tempted and taunted by my reflection but continued to pray for strength as I got dressed for the day. One sleeve at a time.

The days went by, my prayers continued. I was determined to fight the good fight. I wanted to run my race with endurance. So, I kept praying. I kept getting dressed. One sleeve at a time.

I'll always remember, it was a Friday. I had gotten dressed for the day and had already done several chores and errands. I was cleaning up after lunch when the Spirit whispered: “You've gone over a week without body checking.”

I began sobbing. It was true. I hadn't even thought about it. I just kept getting up and getting dressed. One sleeve at a time.

Friends, you can break free from the habits the eating disorder says you need to do. Whether it's body checking obsessive weighing (was there too), calorie counting, dieting, restricting, bingeing, or over exercising…you can be free!

Jesus wants you to be free. He did not die a horrible death for us to be trapped in a prison of our own making.

The battle requires work on our part, but we can be victorious. The fight requires faith, patience, and prayer. It requires us to lay down our fears and trust God to turn them to peace.

Some days it was hard, I won't lie. Some days it felt like the enemy was screaming at me. I wondered where God was, but then I heard His gentle, loving voice telling me to keep going and keep fighting. It will get easier.

Easier to recognize the voice of the enemy. Easier to shut it down and tune it out. Easier to turn down the volume of the noise.

There is hope. There is healing. It takes work, but with Jesus, you can do it.

One sleeve at a time.

Emily Kulp

Jesus follower. Wife. Homeschool mom. Mental health advocate. ED warrior. Suicide loss survivor. Music and nature lover. Overcomer.

Could you relate to this story? Maybe parts of it felt familiar or reminded you that others truly understand what you're walking through. That's why we created the Hello, Freedom! Community, a safe space where women gather to find freedom from eating disorders and food and body image struggles in Christ-centered community.

Whether you're looking for connection, prayer, or ongoing encouragement, there's a place for you here.

Head here to find your place and join us!

FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.