The Treasure Behind the Mask
Have you ever wished you were someone else? I certainly have. For many years of my life, I wasn’t happy with who I was, and I was convinced that if I could just be anyone but me, my life would be so much better. I learned the art of hiding behind a mask at a very young age. Whenever I put on a mask, I simply became whoever my family or friends needed me to be. I thought if I could just hide the real me, then I would be loved and I would be safe from harm.
I was seven years old when I tried on my first mask. I’ll call this one the “peacemaker” mask. The way I remember it, my childhood, though it contained many happy memories, was overshadowed by the darkness of abuse, secrecy, fear, and shame. I felt I had a responsibility to “keep the peace” at home and make sure that everyone was always happy. This meant doing whatever I could to avoid conflict and make life as smooth as possible for those around me. I quickly learned how to deny my own feelings and meet the needs of others over myself. I remember overhearing a conversation in the living room between my mom and one of her friends in which my mom was boasting about how easy it was to raise me because I never caused any problems. This created a belief system that I am responsible for others’ feelings, and it became my life’s mission to ensure that everyone was okay, even if I wasn’t.
In grade school, I adopted the “perfectionist” mask as a result of being bullied and criticized about my appearance. Because kids were so mean to me in school, I used the perfectionist mask to help keep me safe and protect my young heart. I did this by seeking perfection in things like my grades and music to divert attention from my flawed appearance to areas that I could excel in. I gave all my energy and effort to doing well academically as well as musically. I became a straight-A student, I took classical piano lessons every week and was a musical prodigy by the time I was ten. My unhealthy relationship with food and exercise also began around this time. Eventually, the bullying stopped, and I was now praised for my smarts, my talents, and my looks, which only reinforced the false belief that my value is based on my appearance and my abilities.
I’m sure many of us have been in meetings or groups where we’re asked the following question, usually as an easy ice breaker: “If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?” My answer to that question was always invisibility. Which leads me to the third mask I adopted in my adolescence, the “invisibility” mask. The thought of being truly seen and known had terrified me for a long time because I didn’t think that anyone could really see me and know me and still love me. Even after coming to faith in Jesus, growing as a Christian, attending a Christian college, and serving in ministry, shame refused to loosen its grip on me. It shouted lies at me like, “You don’t belong... If only they knew...You’re not good enough...” So, I used my invisibility mask and eating disorder behaviors to shrink from the world and hide my own feelings and needs, believing that if I didn’t have needs, I wouldn’t feel rejected and hurt.
The thing about masks is not only are they exhausting to have on all the time, but they also often lead to “stuffing” of your feelings, which can lead to high stress levels and both mental and physical ailments. My own years of stuffing my feelings instead of processing my past hurts and having good boundaries led to anxiety, depression, and chronic migraines. But several years ago, God began a healing work in me. He placed several amazing, Jesus-loving women in my life who are now my dearest friends. I feel safe enough to remove the masks and be honest, vulnerable, and myself around them. In sharing parts of my story with safe people, I found the freedom that comes with bringing secrets into the light. I dug deep into God’s Word and found healing and comfort beyond what I thought I could feel. One thing I know now is that God is not ashamed of me or my story. He loves me for who I am, and I don’t have to pretend to be anybody else.
Sweet friend, God knows exactly what happened in your life and what a toll it took. Let Him bring you peace. Let Him tell you you’re worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and yes, beloved, keeping. Whatever you do, don’t reject the only One wholly incapable of rejecting you. Jesus gives us an invitation to be free. To come into agreement with the truest things God says about us. To refuse to spend our one life on earth stuck in ruts of insecurity, comparison, and shame. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1).
As we walk with other faithful women in our lives, I pray we will have the courage to lay down our masks and come to a deeper understanding of God’s loving, tender, and gracious heart. Whatever your story is, God honors it and is weaving it into His great love story. He sees you, you are precious, and His heart is for you.
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” – Genesis 16:13 (NIV)
- Melissa
Servant of Christ. Bible Lover. Singer-Songwriter. Chronic Overthinker. Recovering People Pleaser. Overcomer.
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