The Illusion of Control
Control rarely looks like a struggle — it looks like competence. What appears as discipline to the world — a carefully managed body, a tightly run schedule, a life with no loose ends — can quietly become a substitute for trusting in God. And it only deepens with every bit of praise from people I love. This was my personal experience with control. The affirmation and positive feedback from others fed the idol I had created.
Control often feels safer than surrender. Though I know my God is good, the enemy convinces me that self-reliance is better…
Identity Truths
Before I had the chance to lie to her and tell her that I was fine, I heard the following words echo in my thoughts: “Choosing to lie to yourself is like pursuing death.”
So I told her that I knew God’s truth but could not understand why I was still struggling. She responded by saying, “Melissa, God’s truth isn’t just something to know, but to live and experience.”
Lessons from Backsliding
I am powerless and deeply dependent on Him to hold my healing and to transform my heart to desire His Kingdom over the false peace of controlling my body.
Allowing ourselves to be able to be broken and still okay is a strange but peaceful place to be. And we can trust the God who promises in His word that we are free and that He will sanctify us completely.
The Shift
As we left the restaurant, I had a big smile on my face, and I told her how delicious my lunch was and how I enjoyed every bite. I was filled with a feeling of true freedom, peace, and thanksgiving for my continued journey of healing.
Every day continues to be a challenge for me, yet these little shifts fill me with hope, hope that I will heal.
One Sleeve at a Time
That day on the bathroom floor, after crying for what seemed like hours, my eyes red and puffy from tears, I felt His presence surround me. I stood up, got dressed, telling myself, no more body checking.
The next morning, after taking off my pajamas, I walked past the mirror. I began the ritual, but something stopped me. No, I told myself, you don't need to do this.
The Treasure Behind the Mask
I was convinced that if I could just be anyone but me, my life would be so much better. I learned the art of hiding behind a mask.. I thought if I could just hide the real me, then I would be loved and I would be safe from harm. One thing I know now is that God is not ashamed of me or my story. He loves me for who I am, and I don’t have to pretend to be anybody else.
My Secret Struggle
No one would ever know my secret. And to be honest with you, I really felt like this was all normal because it's really all I ever knew. I felt very safe in my own cage, but I really wasn’t free at all.