The Story He Knew I Need
The meltdown arrived right on schedule. And right behind it came the voice I know far too well. The one that doesn't miss an opportunity.
You're a horrible person. A horrible pet parent. A horrible neighbor. A horrible wife. How could you lose it like that? Your husband is so disappointed in you. And so is Jesus, especially after what He just spoke to you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Broken Plates
But mostly, I'm human. I had reached the end of myself. In my humanness, I broke. In my humanness, I couldn't feel and process all the things. So, I shattered. Just like those dishes.
And then, in my brokenness, succumbed to my humanness - and realized: I am human. I CAN'T carry it all. And I certainly can't carry it all with perfect grace and peace and dignity.
But here's the thing. We aren't meant to.
Lessons from Backsliding
I am powerless and deeply dependent on Him to hold my healing and to transform my heart to desire His Kingdom over the false peace of controlling my body.
Allowing ourselves to be able to be broken and still okay is a strange but peaceful place to be. And we can trust the God who promises in His word that we are free and that He will sanctify us completely.
Unseen
Will you be content to be a voice that is heard but not seen? Will you do the seemingly insignificant tasks, trusting that God sees and delights in faithfulness? Will you be content to love yourself as you are, knowing that He already does?
Some of us are called to stand visible in the structure. Others are placed deep in the foundation unseen, bearing weight, holding steady. But hidden does not mean unimportant. Hidden does not mean forgotten. The Master Builder wastes nothing.
One Sleeve at a Time
That day on the bathroom floor, after crying for what seemed like hours, my eyes red and puffy from tears, I felt His presence surround me. I stood up, got dressed, telling myself, no more body checking.
The next morning, after taking off my pajamas, I walked past the mirror. I began the ritual, but something stopped me. No, I told myself, you don't need to do this.
The Treasure Behind the Mask
I was convinced that if I could just be anyone but me, my life would be so much better. I learned the art of hiding behind a mask.. I thought if I could just hide the real me, then I would be loved and I would be safe from harm. One thing I know now is that God is not ashamed of me or my story. He loves me for who I am, and I don’t have to pretend to be anybody else.
“My Flesh and My Heart May Fail” But God
Control became my idol, although I didn’t recognize it as such for many years. I believed that if I managed my body, I could manage my life — and maybe win people’s approval. But the truth was, I was enslaved to lies. My identity was rooted in performance, not in God’s unchanging love.
The Apple of His Eye
That is who we are. We are made to be seen and known because we are made for a God who sees and knows. It’s just who we are. It’s our identity. Taking these things and moving them from head to heart, and from brain to central nervous system, are essential parts of recovery.
The Shame Cocoon
Shame is like a smothering cocoon; it seems "safe", and it is not. The only way you can emerge from it is to invite someone else into the space so they can help you break the seal and be transformed.