The Shift

I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues for over 50-60 years now.

I have had many different seasons in my life when my disordered eating is in full swing or just lays dormant, surrounding me like a warm cozy blanket on a cold winter day. One thing for sure, it was always a part of me. It became a part of my identity, my security, my thinking and decision-making patterns. And like that warm cozy blanket, it certainly kept me feeling safe.

About 3 years ago, I discovered FINDINGbalance which has led me on this Christ-centered journey towards healing from my food and body image issues. There have been good days and hard days, and I cannot say that I am writing this as a healed warrior. I am still a work in progress.

I have noticed some specific incidents in my life lately that signal to me that a shift is happening. This fills me with such hope that even after all these years, even I can become a new creation!

This past week I went to lunch with three very dear old friends. We chose a local Greek restaurant that we all love. When our orders were placed before us, we all commented on how everything looked so delicious and how large the portion sizes were. There was so much food, much more than I would normally have at lunch. I ordered a grilled chicken Caesar salad wrap. My wrap was cut in half, and I immediately said to myself that it was ok because I would take home half to have for tomorrow's lunch. 

As we continued eating, talking, and just enjoying each other's company, I not only finished that first half - but started working on my second half of my delicious grilled chicken wrap! At the end of our lunch, all my friends asked our waiter for "take home" bags, all except me as I had finished my entire lunch (and enjoyed every bite).

Our waitress brought us the check, and this is when I was aware of the shift in my thought process and a sign of my healing. We all commented on how delicious the food was, everyone had their take-home bags with them. Then my girlfriend said to me: "Wow, I usually see you eating so little (that was the old restrictor in me) and I can't believe you ate that entire wrap!"

I immediately recognized that her comment was not meant to be hurtful (different from my past reactions). She was just observing what was real. I did not feel defensive, I did not feel shame, and I did not feel embarrassed. As we left the restaurant, I had a big smile on my face, and I told her how delicious my lunch was and how I enjoyed every bite. I was filled with a feeling of true freedom, peace, and thanksgiving for my continued journey of healing.

Every day continues to be a challenge for me, yet these little shifts fill me with hope, hope that I will heal. For about 1 year now I have been eating three meals every day with a snack. I have recognized that I need this structure to ease my food anxiety. I try not to look at or compare to anyone else's food choices or patterns, I just know that this structure is what I need for my recovery journey.

For 50 years I was tied to the scale and some form exercise. Another shift has happened here. Now I weigh myself only occasionally, and I always say a prayer when I do. I remind myself that the Lord could care less about what the number says, He cares about what is in my heart. This has been a very slow process for me to break this habit of weight checking but I am making progress. And some days I do not exercise, I may go for a slow walk in the sunshine. Most important here is that I do not feel guilt or shame about either choice. I know that I still have work to do, I am not quite ready to throw out my scale or cancel my gym membership. Yet I can definitely feel these shifts in my old thinking patterns, all with God's loving grace.

This healing process has also deepened my relationship and trust in the Lord. I pray daily for the strength to make wise choices for my recovery. Some days remain challenging for me when my insecurities and fears surface. But some days I feel just as I felt that day walking out of the Greek restaurant without a take home bag! I had a big smile on my face, and I felt very peaceful and filled with hope. Praise God.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6

Diane

Wife. Mother of four sons. Grandma to 7 beautiful grandchildren. Retired nurse. Faith-filled prayer warrior. Food lover. Exercise lover. Reader. Overcomer

Could you relate to this story? Maybe parts of it felt familiar or reminded you that others truly understand what you're walking through. That's why we created the Hello, Freedom! Community, a safe space where women gather to find freedom from eating disorders and food and body image struggles in Christ-centered community.

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FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.