Hold Me Fast
I was reminded in church recently of a beautiful hymn, “He Will Hold Me Fast” originally written in 1906 by lyricist Ada Habershon and composer Rober Harkness. The song brought tears to my eyes as I really took in the meaning of the lyrics and how it has applied to my recovery from an eating disorder.
[Listen to He Will Hold Me Fast. Note: YouTube may display ads not controlled, promoted, or endorsed by FINDINGbalance.]
My disordered eating behavior began during my sophomore year of high school after a well-meaning comment from my dad about my changing body. At the time, I took it to mean, “I was getting big” even though in retrospect, he just meant I was “growing up.” He also was into the latest health foods and was always talking to me about what foods were healthy and which foods I should stay away from for longevity of my life. Longing to connect with my dad, I became interested in the topic and began applying his advice to my life. It was also during this time that I began struggling with some unhealthy friendships at school, as well as a knee injury that would put me out of all sports (except swimming) for at least 6 months. I began swimming more hours each day, while ever increasing “healthy eating” rules that cut more foods out. At first, I magically melted pounds off my body. Everyone noticed. Secretly I was thrilled with the attention. I felt like I held the secret to what everyone else wanted, to be thin. It felt powerful, especially when many other things in my life felt out of control. But my illusionary control only lasted several months before my mom suggested I began seeing a therapist. When this did not seem to help, I was admitted into a treatment center, but sadly I was not ready to get better there either. I left that program only to quickly return to old habits.
Several months later, I was admitted to a second hospital where I was told I might not graduate from high school on time if I kept going in and out of hospitals. For me – that was absolutely mortifying. So, I agreed to cooperate with this treatment plan and allow Jesus to come into my heart just a little bit. While I was there, I met a girl my age who was fighting leukemia. She had to use a feeding tube just like mine, yet there was a major difference between her thoughts and mine regarding the tube. She welcomed it with immense joy as she knew her body needed the extra calories to fight her cancer. I, on the other hand, resented and despised my tube with all my being seeing it only as a way for my medical team to “make me fat.” But Jesus began to change my heart and mind, showing me, my recovery team was truly for me – not against me. After a month in this program, I gained some weight and was discharged. I truly felt a little stronger in my recovery.
Oh! How I wish my story only went uphill from there. But it did not. The next 25 years of my life I would find myself returning to food and exercise to cope with stress in college, boyfriends, jobs, moves, professional settings, marriage, children, etc. My weight would go up and down during these years depending on the amount of exercise I abused my body with and the latest diet I forced it to undergo. But no matter what I did, I could never shake the prevailing, underlying message from Satan himself, “You will never recover. You are a disappointment to God. How could you still be struggling with this after all these years? Everyone else would have figured it out by now.”
It was not until several years ago, when I was at the end of my rope, isolated at home during COVID with my six young children, and dabbling in a diet that I knew was wrong, where I began to internalize the simple gospel truth that I had heard almost every single Sunday in church since becoming a Christian in 1993. What Christ did for me on that cross has made me precious and perfect in God’s eyes. I cannot do, or not do, anything to change that. God is not ashamed of me – even when I slip back into destructive eating disorder behaviors. The shame I feel is from the enemy. And as long as I keep believing his lies, I will be stuck, at best, in a place of “managing” my eating disorder but not living in true freedom. It was not long after this that I stumbled across FINDINGbalance and began devouring all its resources. Hearing about diet culture for the first time and how the enemy uses that to keep me trapped, and hearing solid, scientific evidence on what God intended for me when it comes to eating and movement has, and still does, challenge me to slowly but surely take steps away from eating disorder and unhealthy exercise behaviors that I have practiced for years.
As I think upon the song, “He Will Hold Me Fast,” I realize God’s love has never once changed for me throughout all these years of struggle with an eating disorder. Even in all the many times I have been led astray by the enemy and found myself making agreements with him to practice eating disorder behaviors again, God has held me fast. He holds you fast, too, friend. No matter where you are in your recovery, He is not ashamed of you. He holds you fast and loves you right where you are, even when you are doing the very behaviors that keep you trapped in your disordered eating. It says so in God’s word, “Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”- Psalm 139:10 (NIV)
- Jill Palmer
FINDINGbalance Prayer Group Leader. Passionate Seeker of Jesus. Wife to a Retired Navy Officer and Current Sports Management Professional. Mom to Four Soccer-Loving Boys and Two Gymnastics & Dance-Loving Girls. Family Taxi Cab Driver. Craver of Soulful Conversations with Good Friends. Overcomer.
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FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.