A Beach Conversation
It was going to be a long Saturday. My husband had to work all day, and I was left in charge of our 6 children (ages 9 – 13). We had only been living in Florida for 6 months at the time of writing this, which meant we were still building our support community. So when a new friend from church invited us to go with her family and some other families to one of the local beaches here in Tampa, I was truly thrilled! An activity to do with my children where I wouldn’t be trying to entertain and manage them all by myself.
Once we arrived at the beach, I got my children situated with sunscreen and then sent them running into the gulf waves with boogie boards and sand buckets. “Phew!” I thought, “I will have a few minutes to talk with some adults before I am needed again.” My new mom friend introduced me to several of her mom friends from our church, and we all began talking about our kids and the different stages of life we all were in. Some of the dads also joined in on the conversation. I was really enjoying the company.
And then it happened, someone brought up a trigger point for me… exercise and workouts. Two of the dads (who were not in the same conversation as I but were close enough for me to overhear) began talking about all the miles they had recently biked just to get to the beach that morning. And before I knew it, one of the moms in the conversation that I was a part, also joined in on the exercise talk and shared about how her sister-in-law (who just gave birth to twins ten months ago and already had three older children), was now back to training for a triathlon.
Ugh! I felt a punch in my gut. My joy was about to fade. My inner critic (ED, the devil, the enemy, etc.) was about to get real loud and remind me that I had not done any type of exercise that morning other than waking up, getting dressed, making sure my family and I ate breakfast, getting my daughter to gymnastics, and then driving the rest of us all to the beach. This enemy quickly began telling me how I should not eat what others were eating at the beach that day, because I had not earned it. I had not done the “magical amount of exercise” that some of these new friends had done, and therefore, I was not worthy of eating a full meal.
And then, by the grace of God, I heard a still small, gentle whisper, “Jill, you absolutely are worthy enough to eat a good meal, regardless of how much you or anyone else you’re needlessly comparing yourself has exercised today or any day.”
God continued to bring to mind all the things I have been working so hard to remember over the past couple of years. Words I not only wanted to recall, but words I wanted to actually believe. “Remember Jill, you get to eat good food because I designed your good body to need fuel to be available to care for your family, to play at the beach, to meet new friends, and to enjoy all the other many good things I have for you. You get to move your body and enjoy it – You don’t have to be a slave to a regimented exercise routine. Remember, the amount of exercise you do, or the amount other people do, does not make them more superior or inferior to you. You can enjoy the movement that I created your body for, even if it’s not what diet culture says is ‘worthwhile exercise.’ Even if it’s not the type of movement that gets talked about or praised by others. Don’t forget, Jill, that your value does not come from others, it comes from me. I am the one who gives you worth. A worth that is far greater than any exercise routine you’ll ever do, any shape your body will ever be in, or any foods you will or won’t eat.”
As I was quietly contemplating all of God’s life-giving reminders, the exercise conversation among my new friends quietly continued in the background. And then I decided to enter into it again. I respectfully and confidently said to the mom I had been talking to, “Your sister-in-law must really enjoy all of that training in order to find the time to do it while also caring for her family.”
And my new mom friend responded, “Oh, yes, she loves it! It truly energizes her!”
“I am glad she has found an exercise that seems to bring her joy,” I responded. “When I trained for those long-distance races, I did not love it like that. It was a chore for me. And I don’t want to return to it.”
I decided to leave my response at that and not go into all the details of how it was not only a chore, but how I was ruled by a relentless taskmaster (ED) who never showed mercy, even when I just wanted to rest, or when I was ill, or on days when I wanted to eat more in order to sustain such long runs.
This is not the first time I have had this type of exercise conversation with others. And often I leave them feeling inferior, placing pressure on myself to keep up a strict diet and exercise regime in order to somehow prove I am as special as someone else, or somehow worthy of attention. But this time was different, and all I can say is, I know God is changing my heart. He is slowly changing years and years of diet culture lies where I have believed that how I eat and how I exercise are what give me value. He is opening my eyes to his truth about my value. And I am discovering that the more I return to what he says about my worth, and the more I practice believing it, the less those deadly diet culture lies hold a grip on me, and the closer I get to true, long lasting change and healing.
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)
- Jill Palmer
FINDINGbalance Prayer Group Leader. Passionate Seeker of Jesus. Wife to a Retired Navy Officer and Current Sports Management Professional. Mom to Four Soccer-Loving Boys and Two Gymnastics & Dance-Loving Girls. Family Taxi Cab Driver. Craver of Soulful Conversations with Good Friends. Overcomer.
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