I expect no response, but instead he says gently, “No, as a matter of fact, you don’t. But thank you for asking.” This is his polite reply. And this is a pretty typical reply from him to my self-loathing comments.
I am feeling bad about myself. I have a choice of whether to eat “good” or “bad”, I have chosen “bad”.
I was 1-year recovered, food issues seemed under control, the lure of food seemed gone. But now I’ve fallen back into bad habits after some injuries; pain will do that. I’ve gone back to walking into the kitchen, opening the fridge, opening the pantry door, incessantly looking for something to put in my mouth, to satisfy what I am not sure.
I am constantly eating when I’m not hungry, choosing to overeat. I call this “binging”, not stopping when you’re full and then going back for more anyway. Eating all day long, barely taking a breath. My friends question this comment, because if I am binging, really binging, I should be as big as a house…I’m not. They don’t get the fact that it’s not physical but mental; it is how I use the food, not for sustenance or energy, but as a weapon against myself, to sabotage, regardless of how much is eaten.
A year ago I thought I had it under control. Although I rarely step on the scale, I can tell I gain weight by how my clothes fit, how comfortable I am in my shorts or jeans. I am filled with disappointment as I bend over and the snap on my shorts pops. My mind races and I feel desperate. How did I come to this? Where is that inner voice that says, “Stop now, you are full.”? My inner voice is self-loathing and says, “You don’t care, you don’t deserve to feel good right now.”
Years ago, when I was bulimic, I would purge. But I don’t go there now, I know if I did I would be stepping over the line, a point of no return. So I think it, but don’t dare to do it. My husband occasionally asks after I shamefully tell him I binged today, “Did you do something about it?”
I know what his words mean as he reads my mind. I can honestly tell him, “No”, knowing that if I did what he (and I) are thinking, I would be stepping over the line, one I don’t dare cross and the trust he has in me would be broken. My mind says, binging is acceptable, people do it every day; purging is not.
With the Grace of God, I’m still working this all out. I will keep fighting for truth and freedom.
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32, NLT
A Slave Set Free, Jen Tormanen
Breaking Free, book resource
Eating Disorder Warning Signs, Constance Rhodes