My prenatal checkup appointments always begin the same way: standing on the scale. For the first few appointments I averted my eyes, hoping not to look at the numbers, but as my pregnancy progressed, I found my curiosity getting the better of me. I wouldn’t worry very much; after all, my midwife never really talked about my weight because I was in a healthy gaining range, and I figured that the baby needed all of the weight I was gaining. I was in a safe place here, where gaining weight was a good thing.
But I was caught by surprise last week when, at my appointment, I looked at the numbers on the scale and realized that I now weighed the same amount that I had when my ED began, when I had decided enough was enough and I was going to “take control of my life.” Little did I know that my ED ended up taking control of me.
I wasn’t sure how to feel. Part of me was happy that I no longer weighed that much, since it really was an unhealthy weight for me; but part of me was also a bit panicked. I had sworn to myself I’d never get “back here” again, yet here I was – and even though it was necessary, I was sad and upset. If I had gotten back to this weight, could I lose it without resorting to the same tactics that I had used when ED was such a large part of my life?
I allowed myself a little bit of time to feel these feelings, then I allowed the logical side of my brain to join the conversation. I realized that my body was doing what it needed to do to help my baby grow. I knew that ED still had no control over my life anymore, and that I would try the best I could to be healthy both before and after the baby arrives – and being healthy is not about numbers. It’s about choosing to eat nutrient-rich foods to help both my body and my baby’s when I nurse him; it’s about getting some fresh air and showing my new baby the world during walks; and it’s about relying on Jesus each day to guide me through when I feel weak and want to turn back to ED.
Speaking of numbers, only five and a half weeks left until my due date! Those are numbers I’m happy to think about and plan for…no other ones are needed!
Until next time!