What triggered it doesn’t really matter; what matters is that I still have triggers. What also matters is that I’m sitting here today, no worse for the wear, having reclaimed all I rejected in those adrenaline-laced, emotionally-charged minutes. I’m not glad it happened; I’m human. I wish I never had to struggle though, feel raw and exposed, and hear Ed’s snake-like voice slithering through my consciousness once again.
But this time, I didn’t go through it alone. I didn’t let Ed’s voice silence me, my panic overwhelm me, my emotions speak for me. I reached out. Instead of curling up under the covers of my bed with only Ed’s voice and my tears to keep me company, I went and curled up on a friend’s couch. She spoke life into me, her voice was louder than all the others, and the swirling dark clouds began to dissipate. Her gentle calm and soothing spirit gradually led me to the realization that I had lost sight of the One who promised me He can handle it; when I lost sight of His light and focused on my own darkness was when Ed came roaring back in.
My friends, don’t try to survive this journey alone. Reach out. Call for help. Walk with others who can point you to the One who can save you from yourself, your fears, your darkness. Don’t wait until a meltdown to reach out, either. Do it now. The battle is so much less scary when you have a friend to fight with, who will guard your back and help you to stand when you feel like you have nothing left.
“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am with you”. ~Isaiah 41:13
Made – Beginning to the End (Elisabeth Schelp)
What Does 100% Committed Really Look Like? (Aylee Willets)
Relapsed – Have I Let God Down? (video)