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Chasing Freedom

Learning on a Loop: Recovery on Replay

By January 11, 2013 No Comments

Ever feel like your recovery is stuck on replay? Two steps forward one step back, waltz this way, waltz that. On a continuous loop, or runaway roller coaster, you keep learning and losing the same lessons over and over again.

Maybe it’s more than recovery from an eating disorder. I find myself struggling with the same sharp tongue after 10 years of marriage. I still worry when some unforeseen financial need arises, even after God has provided in the past. I am still learning how to say “no,” and to set boundaries.

Sometimes I’m sorrowful, thanking God for one more chance. Other times, I yell at Him. Why can’t He let up on this one area of my life? Though I don’t expect I’ve figured things out and will smoothly move on to more glamorous challenges, I am learning that God teaches new lessons through the same circumstances and sometimes the same mistakes.

I’ve been working on simple obedience with my dog. Every single day, we go on a long walk. He is learning to trot alertly by my side, hardly tugging in any direction. We haven’t even begun to practice “come” and responsiveness off leash.

Recently, we went for an exploratory walk in the woods near our house. The broad space was so invigorating and the squirrels so tempting that I reluctantly unclipped Brave’s leash and let him run. Periodically, along the way, I called him. And he came! He was remarkably more obedient than before our disciplined walks.

It is the same for me. Even as I walk over the same ground with God, I’m learning obedience for all things. Though it seems as if I am still learning how to eat a meal, how to exercise, how to eat in restaurants, how to rest, through these repetitive lessons, God is cultivating a heart for Him within me.

Each day I accept these challenges and walk hand in hand with my Savior, I am learning that He is trustworthy for all my life.

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