I have been attending a support group for anorexics/bulimics and heard of this web page. I’m not really sure why I am writing except for the fact I am very scared. I have a diagnosed eating disorder…a combination of starving and restricting and then anytime I do allow any sort of food into my system, I take laxatives. I am 25, 5’7″ and *** lbs. and feel so fat most days that I don’t even want to leave my house. My hair is falling out, I am dehydrated all of the time, I am dizzy and TIRED all of the time. My body hurts and my mood swings are horrible. I feel so alone and desperate at times. I just want to be skinnier and I do not know how to get out of all of this. The idea of gaining weight terrifies me. Food is my worst enemy. I am in recovery from alcohol and drugs and when doing drugs, I thought I was in heaven – and never had to worry about my weight. Now that I am clean, I feel horrible I feel like no one understands. I know all I have to do is eat, but I can’t. I can’t go a day without taking laxatives. I can feel myself withering away and most days, I think I would rather be dead than feel the way I do or battle with my mind as I do. Like I said, I’m not sure why I wrote. I guess I just needed to vent.
I’m glad you vented. I’m also glad you are attending a support group AND that you are able to recognize your fears. It is very difficult to be aware of feelings again when you’re not numbing them with drugs or alcohol. On top of that, you are battling bulimic and anorexic behaviors. I think some of the worst things about these types of disordered eating are our fear and hopelessness. These feelings are exaggerated when we are malnourished. As you begin to listen to your body and trust it, you’ll feel less fear and you’ll have much more hope. Your feelings are so much more overwhelming when you are fatigued, stressed and hungry.
Making peace with food and our bodies is very possible. Please don’t give up hope. This is the hardest part – you are still feeling physically and emotionally miserable. Give yourself time. Stick with the support group. Turn to others for more hope and strength at this time when your spirits are low!