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Chasing Freedom

Choosing to Live

By September 11, 2012 September 30th, 2013 6 Comments

Choosing to LiveIt was a brisk spring morning. I was curled up in the fetal position on damp grass between the scarce patches of snow that still remained as spring was setting in. Between my sobs, I cried out to my God, begging. Begging for my life. For him not to let me die,  as my chest pain continued to stab at my frail heart. I promised to eat. I promised to stop laxatives, I promised to stop smoking if I could just live. This was the moment I realized I wanted to live. Whatever that meant, at that very moment… Life.

Many go through life questioning their purpose. I spent nearly 26 years thinking my purpose was to self-destruct, to disappear, and to be hopeless. All of this stemmed from the belief that I was unloved. How could my God love me when I have mindfully made decisions and participated in things that I knew were displeasing to Him? If my parents only knew the truth, they would shun me… or so I thought.

After four more months of procrastinating and convincing, God led me to a treatment center for my eating disorder and broken heart. It saved my life.

When I got there I was a fighter; not in a positive way, but against the truth that was being spoken to me. I wanted to live, but I just couldn’t grasp the fact that I was a forgiven and loved child who could have a life outside of all my addictions.

After nearly two months of sitting there, my therapist said I had a choice. I could choose to live life and hear truth in a positive manner, or I could do the opposite and take everything down the negative path.

I must admit, at first I was angry she would say such a thing. Doesn’t she “get it?” There is no hope for me. I am the exception…

Eventually, I let the anger settle without a fight, and actually chose to consider her words.

That day, I chose to LIVE.

Today, I do LIVE.

Recovery isn’t easy; even though the past 10 months since treatment have been wonderful there is still the question each day on how I am going to make my decisions. But the decisions are getting easier because I know that God has a purpose for me. He gave me a compassionate and caring heart to help heal others. He gave me a family who still loves me. He gave me freedom.

Most importantly, he gave me the gift of LIFE with a PURPOSE.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; stand firm, then, and submit not again to a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1

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Join the discussion 6 Comments

  • Amber Wiley says:

    Thank you everybody! Your words of kindness warmed my heart. Hopefully I muster up the courage to post more!

  • Theresa says:

    I want to choose to live too. I use to all the time hear in my head/think “I just want to die” but since starting this recovery thing I recognize myself thinking “I don’t want to die”

  • Bethany says:

    I’m so glad that you choose to live, Amber!

  • Kelsey Clevenger says:

    Amber,
    Thanks for being so transparent and candid. Your bravery to share allows others to open up as well. In the midst of an eating disorder, it can feel like no one else knows who you’re feeling. Your words combat that lie. Be blessed!

  • Jincy says:

    Amber, this made me cry. I am so thankful to know you and love you!

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