It was a brisk spring morning. I was curled up in the fetal position on damp grass between the scarce patches of snow that still remained as spring was setting in. Between my sobs, I cried out to my God, begging. Begging for my life. For him not to let me die, as my chest pain continued to stab at my frail heart. I promised to eat. I promised to stop laxatives, I promised to stop smoking if I could just live. This was the moment I realized I wanted to live. Whatever that meant, at that very moment… Life.
Many go through life questioning their purpose. I spent nearly 26 years thinking my purpose was to self-destruct, to disappear, and to be hopeless. All of this stemmed from the belief that I was unloved. How could my God love me when I have mindfully made decisions and participated in things that I knew were displeasing to Him? If my parents only knew the truth, they would shun me… or so I thought.
After four more months of procrastinating and convincing, God led me to a treatment center for my eating disorder and broken heart. It saved my life.
When I got there I was a fighter; not in a positive way, but against the truth that was being spoken to me. I wanted to live, but I just couldn’t grasp the fact that I was a forgiven and loved child who could have a life outside of all my addictions.
After nearly two months of sitting there, my therapist said I had a choice. I could choose to live life and hear truth in a positive manner, or I could do the opposite and take everything down the negative path.
I must admit, at first I was angry she would say such a thing. Doesn’t she “get it?” There is no hope for me. I am the exception…
Eventually, I let the anger settle without a fight, and actually chose to consider her words.
That day, I chose to LIVE.
Today, I do LIVE.
Recovery isn’t easy; even though the past 10 months since treatment have been wonderful there is still the question each day on how I am going to make my decisions. But the decisions are getting easier because I know that God has a purpose for me. He gave me a compassionate and caring heart to help heal others. He gave me a family who still loves me. He gave me freedom.
Most importantly, he gave me the gift of LIFE with a PURPOSE.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; stand firm, then, and submit not again to a yoke of slavery.” Gal. 5:1