In my head I see beautiful women in beautiful, vintage, dresses, waltzing around the dance floor. Partner to partner, gracefully floating across the floor. And then the dancer has to take a break, afraid that someone might view her as weak – she gracefully exits to the powder room and tries to take a breath. Exhausted from dancing, barely breathing from her corset, she sucks it up, smiles, and heads back to the ballroom.
I feel as if that is a perfect picture of my life. Constantly floating from task to task, sometimes in an effort to make (myself and others) believe that I have it all together… when really I am falling apart. Well, not really. See… in the past “falling apart” meant spending meal times hiding in the bathroom, purging everything, rules, and counting. “Falling apart” meant no friends, tons of lies, and complete numbness.
In an effort to NOT fall back into my eating disorder I find myself stuck in the waltz that never ends. Teaching, then meetings, friend time, bible study, babysitting, scared that I am not strong enough to handle a moment alone. Only, I know I can. Sometimes I can sneak away and try to take a breath when I feel like I am suffocating. But, sometimes I can’t and I waltz a complicated waltz to keep everyone happy. Until I crash. And I have to isolate. Regroup. Find Balance.
My classroom is the perfect model of balance. The kids tell me what works and doesn’t work- when they are overtired, or sad, or hungry, they can’t learn, or have fun, or have meaningful relationships. Our schedule is so well balanced that it fosters the best environment for self-regulating, learning, and healthy emotional development.
I think too often I forget that simply sleep or food or a real conversation can help me balance. It can help me have fun while waltzing through life – instead of just trying to keep up. It’s all about getting back to the basics sometimes.