Picture time! And as someone who normally isn’t very excited about having her picture taken, I am excited today. I pick out my best new shirt, new jeans, and put on a little makeup…and then briefly debate whether or not I should wear heels to look taller – and leaner. Weird behavior for someone who is just taking a “baby bump” photo, right? Well, if you’re someone who has struggled with body issues for years, maybe not.
I’m four months pregnant with my first baby, and although it’s been a wonderful journey so far (except for fun symptoms like nausea, nasal congestion, and heartburn), for someone who has been through EDNOS, some days can be a real struggle.
I was diagnosed with EDNOS five years ago after losing a significant amount of weight in a really unhealthy fashion. I was responding negatively to a lot of other stress during that time, restricting calories and punishing myself for things happening in my life that were out of my control. Back then, it was a struggle to think about anything but numbers and measurements. It took a lot of work, but I’ve been at a healthy weight for a few years now and able to use better coping mechanisms than obsessing about food.
Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that I will get much, much bigger than I am now. Don’t get me wrong – I really am excited that my body knows what it’s doing. I’ve worked hard to enjoy my body’s changes.
But some days, like today, I just feel… fat.
My husband moves around the room, trying to find the best place for me to stand. He’s so excited. I get ready, place my hands under my growing belly, and breathe. I’m starting to get a bit anxious – how will I look? Will I be “all belly,” like all the Hollywood beauties? Or will I just look big again?
“I don’t have a double chin, do I?” I joke, then stop. Pregnancy is a time for celebrating my body and all it can do, I remember. And during pregnancy, it does a lot!
My husband takes the picture, and I take a look. I have a little bump, but it’s there! An opportunity to thank my body, not resent it. An opportunity to enjoy my belly, not worry so much about it.
An opportunity to celebrate!