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For most of my life I have been what most
would consider thin. Not Karen Carpenter thin, not even Kate Moss
thin, but thin enough to be considered ‘slim.’
For the first 16 years of my life, this was a completely natural and
non-manipulated state for me. I had a great metabolism, and never
had to worry about unwanted weight gain. I took for granted that I
could wear all the latest styles and trends, and had a figure most
of my peers only dreamed of.
Then I went to college and put on the old “Freshman 15”. Suddenly
the rules had changed. I panicked, and entered into my first
experiences with disordered eating and frantic diets. The more I
worried, the more I gained, until I finally weighed in at 35 lbs.
more than my college entry weight. While certainly not obese by
anyone’s standards, as a naturally thin person I felt uncomfortable
and insecure at this weight, and didn’t feel it was a place I wanted
to stay.
So I went through grapefruit diets, fasts, and worse, and while I
had a few momentary successes, I inevitably fell back into eating
more than I needed to (probably as a result of my fear and
frustration), and put the weight back on.
After a few years of this, one day something just “clicked”, and I
fell into a more “controlled” method of eating. I somehow resisted
the urge to binge, and slowly but surely, my body started to do its
“thing” again. As the pounds slowly fell away, I was energized by
the power of my regained thin-ness. I vowed to never again lose my
“position” in society as a thin person. My fear of recurrent weight
gain became the incentive I needed to continue reducing my intake,
even though I soon reached a weight that even I was happy with.
For the following 6 years I lived in a state of “chronic dieting”. I
didn’t know at the time that that’s what I was doing. I told myself,
and anyone else who asked, that I just felt it was important to
watch what I ate, so that I could maintain my thin figure.
But my obsession with thinness had gotten the best of me - I can see
this now, looking back from a new perspective. It’s not that I was
wrong for desiring to be thin, or even for getting a better handle
on my eating. What was wrong, or more appropriately, unhealthy, was
that my obsession with being thin, and my all-consuming fear of
weight gain, had begun to exercise an unhealthy control over me.
All I thought about all day long was “Oh no, I think I gained a
pound last night,” “Will my jeans still fit me today?” “I’d better
not eat that, or I will surely be fat tomorrow,” and of course, “If
I’m not thin, they won’t think I’m important”…
Social occasions became all about whether or not I thought I
“deserved” to eat something – dependent of course on what I had
eaten (or not eaten) the day before. Many times I would skip them
altogether if I was feeling ‘fat.’
As a side-effect of stringent dieting, I began to lose touch with
reality at times. The lack of proper nutrition, while not
life-threatening, started to affect me in ways I hadn’t considered.
I was achy, irritable, abrasive, insecure, fatigued, and often had a
hard time dealing with stress. Sleep became elusive, and I was
constantly whining to my husband about the fact that I felt fat.
Long story short, one day I decided to address this thing. I write
about this process in my book,
“Life Inside The Thin Cage.”
It’s not that I was in any imminent danger or facing any great
health concerns - even my doctor gave me a clean bill of health.
Most people would never have guessed that I had any issues with
“disordered eating”. I had a great job in the music industry, a
handsome & supportive husband, and a figure that most women wish
for. My goal was never to weigh 80 lbs., or to waste away to the
point of hospitalization. All I wanted was to be “model” or even
“actress” thin. And while I certainly hoped to wear a size 2, even I
knew that size 0 wasn’t something that would look good...
What I had, but didn’t know it, was what some have referred to as a
“sub-clinical” eating disorder (or ednos). I soon learned that
this “ednos” category was sort of a “catch-all” for behavior that
included one or more symptoms of the better known eating disorders,
but not enough to completely fit the profile. In my case, I didn’t
really fit the criterion for
anorexia, like missing periods or growing body hair (lanugo),
and I definitely wasn’t practicing
bulimia or
binge eating, but I still had a disorder, nonetheless.
The weird thing was that if I had only trusted my body to do what
it’s been created to do naturally, I would never have had to be so
consumed with staying thin, as I actually have a naturally high
metabolism.
Now, looking back from a place of much more freedom, I feel
compelled to share my story with others who have struggled as I
have. You might be fat, or thin, stocky, or slight… this problem is
no discriminator of body types.
It starts small - just an idea of how to lose some unwanted weight,
and before we know what’s happened, we’ve become consumed. And we
don’t know it. We know we’re “controlling” when it comes to food,
but that’s not a bad thing, right? Most people only wish for such
control...
The point is, if achieving “thin” is the greatest goal in your life,
you have been misled. Even upon achieving thinness, there must be
something more inside or you will remain unhappy and unfulfilled –
you’ll just be a thin unhappy person as opposed to a fat one. For
those who think that’s not so bad, I wish to share with you the joy
I’ve found in coming to terms with who I am on the inside.
Please explore the site. Read what others have to say… delve into
the personal stories captured here, and then let me know your
thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Email
Constance
© 2004 Constance Rhodes.
FINDINGbalance grants
permission for this article to copied in its entirety, provided the
copies are distributed free of charge and that they indicate the
source as www.FINDINGbalance.com.
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