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How To Help Someone with an Eating Disorder

 

One of the most common questions we are asked is, "How do I help my (friend, daughter, husband, son)?" It can be tough to know where to begin. Following are tips and guidelines we've found that we feel make sense. If you still have questions, please type in keyword 'helping others' in the search box on our site, or feel free to Ask Our Panel.

 

Covered: Tips for Helping Others, DO's and DON'Ts, More DO's and DON'Ts from the Perspective of a Disordered Eater, What To Do If a Child Has an ED, 7 Things You Should Never Say to Your Daughters.

 

How I Help My Friend...

• I know I can't cause or cure an eating disorder, but I can contribute to prevention and recovery
• I will listen and be honest about my specific concerns.
• I will encourage professional help as soon as possible.
• I will acknowledge that your feelings are real and you should talk to someone.

 

How I Help Myself

• Know that I am more than a number and body size: I am a precious and valuable person.
• I will be aware of unrealistic body image messages that are portrayed in the media.
• I will celebrate all that my body can do for me each day.
• I will treat my body with respect, giving it enough rest, fueling it with a variety of foods, exercising moderately, and listening to what it needs.
• I will avoid extremes and strive toward balanced living.
• I will acknowledge my struggles and be willing to reach out to someone.
• I will make a decision today to choose life and participate in self-nurturing activities.
• I know that self-acceptance takes time.
• I will eat when I am hungry. I will stop when I am full.
• I will surround myself with people that remind me of my inner strength and beauty.
• I will be aware of what my body can do each day.
• I will accept my body at its natural shape and size.
• Every morning when I wake up, I will thank my body for resting and rejuvenating itself so that I can enjoy the day.
• I have value. The scale doesn't.
• I will exercise to feel good and have fun.
• I must remember that my body is the vehicle that will carry me to my future.

 

 

DO's and DON'Ts

For Family Members and Friends of Disordered Eaters

 

Do...

• Realize there is no quick and easy solution.
• Express honest love, by physical and verbal affection. Do value the person with the disorder, so that he/she can learn to value him or herself.
• Talk to the person about it. Ask questions and listen too.
• Realize the person in ambivalent about getting well, and takes comfort in the control and rituals of the disorder.
• Encourage decision-making and being responsible for those decisions.
• Hold the person with the eating disorder accountable for her/his behavior. If her/his eating has caused a large increase in the family budget, request she/he contribute funds to the grocery bill each month.
• Allow the person to be in charge of his/her routines of daily life.
• Realize that by giving up control, you're setting the stage for your relative to develop healthy self-control.
• Express your caring and interest in seeing the person get well.
• Inform yourself about the disorders and their treatment. Read the literature and talk to the person as well.
• Accept yourself and get help if needed. An eating disorder can disrupt the entire family and the family needs help in coping wit hit whether or not the relative afflicted is receiving treatment.
• Accept the person and be patient.
• Express your feelings honestly with the person; she/he probably senses how you are feeling anyway.
• Make time or yourself, spouse friends, and other family members. Remember to take care of yourself, and keep your lifestyle as "normal" as possible.

 

Don't...

• Ignore the problem, hoping it will go way; it won't.
• Panic. Instead, look around for the help you need.
• Ask, "How can I help? What do you need?" The person with the disorder usually does not know.
• Tell her/him just to eat.
• Make your love a condition of the individual's appearance, health, weight, achievement, or any other attribute.
• Comment on appearance or weight - whether positive or negative.
• Feel you must walk on "eggshells" so the person with the eating disorder wont' be upset.
• Let the person control the family through her/his eating behavior.
• Allow yourself to be manipulated. Require the person to be responsible for his/her behavior.
• Try to control the person's behavior. It can intensify the problem.
• Force her/him to receive treatment unless her/his health is clearly in danger.
• Impose rules except those which are necessary for the individual's or family's safety and well-being. Avoid power struggles.
• Feel guilty or dwell on causes behind the behavior.
• Expect yourself to be a perfect parent, family member or friend.

 

 

More DO's and DON'Ts

From the Perspective of a Disordered Eater

 

Do...

• Discuss things other than food, weight, and calories. This makes me angry, depressed.
• Be honest/open with feelings and communicate them with me.
• Understand that an eating disorder can't be resolved in a few weeks. It takes years. I appreciate your patience.
• Allow me to express my feelings in a way that you can accept, even if you don't agree.
• Allow us to express feelings with each other, without exploding or becoming angry.
• Understand that the problem isn't just about weight. There are other factors (emotional, psychological, relational and spiritual).
• When asked, help me with planning meals, portions.
• Understand. Realize that there will be times when I slip. They are discouraging setbacks, but not a tragedy.
• Be supportive/understanding of other weaknesses and faults.
• Try to attend family meetings to give your input and support.
• Whatever you can do to boost my self-esteem, please do.

 

Don't...

• Make "skinny", weight related comments or insults.
• Stare during mealtimes.
• Play detective, follow me to the bathroom, or listen outside the door after meals.
• Be overly critical about appearance, weight, etc.
• Joke about my disease and not take it seriously.
• Make any comments about the food I have/have not eaten.
• Say things like "you can stop if you really want to".
• Assume that "looking healthy" means being emotionally healthy.
• Expect me to tell you everything about what we talked about in therapy. Some things are confidential.
• Hesitate in talking or commenting on my other positive qualities that are unrelated to my eating disorder

 

 

What to Do If a Child Has an Eating Disorder

Source: Carla F. Garber, PhD, LPC

 

• Seek help from qualified professionals.
• Follow their suggestions.
• De-emphasize food, weight, and appearance.
• Do not comment on food and weight.
• Focus on feelings.
• Do not put the child on a "diet".
• Do not offer rewards or bribes for changing eating patterns.
• Do not let mealtime be a battle time. Avoid heavy conversations and decisions.
• Do not play food police. Don't monitor the child's food intake, although that may feel like the way to help.
• Compliment behavior and personality regardless of weight gain or loss.
• Let the child plan one to two meals per week. Even if the child plans a bizarre meal, the benefit (a sense of control and contribution) is well worth the sacrifice.
• Encourage an attitude that food is for nutrition not comfort, celebration, reward or punishment.
• Encourage an attitude that exercise is for fun and feeling good not for losing weight or impressing others.
• Encourage independence and self reliance.
• Encourage family fun and togetherness through events that do not revolve around food

 

 

7 Things You Should Never Say To Your Daughter

or Model to Your Sons

Source: Healthy Within Inc.

 

1. Do not ask, "Do I look fat in this outfit?"
2. Do not criticize your own figure.
3. Do not compare yourself with other women in a negative way.
4. Do not talk about your weight.
5. Do not brush off compliments.
6. Do not describe food in terms of being bad for you.
7. Do not comment on your daughter's/son's weight.

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