I have a choice, it’s the same choice I’ve had every time I’ve found myself in this place. Life, or death. I can move forward into an unknown territory, a place where I have no idea what the end result will be; where I have no pictures, no numbers and no guarantees. Or, I can turn around and head back to, “Egypt”. The place of familiarity, of comfort; where I am safe, secure, comfortable, yet scared, alone, worried, trapped, a slave to my eating disorder and facing death every day.
I’ve lived for 13 years in this place that has offered acceptance, comfort, stability and control when nothing else would. That same place has stolen everything, every dream, desire, relationship pretty much life itself. It’s the place I no longer want to be.
My thoughts are changing, my perspective is becoming different. My desires to move into new things are strong, but the fear is still so real. I’m afraid of change. Physical change, the discomfort and the challenges of the process of walking this road to freedom. The image I have seen in the mirror for so long will change. Numbers will shift, new clothes might have to be bought or maybe the ones I have will actually fit and not hang. There might be curves where before there were none. I know my genetics, what my mom and sisters look like and I know how my body tends to carry the curves and honestly, it’s not bad. And honestly, it’s not what I want. But honestly it’s how God created me to be.
I won’t look like the certain friends I’ve always compared myself to. The healthy me just wasn’t created to be that way. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be beautiful, or desirable to my husband, or accepted by my friends and family. It means I will be the unique, magnificent, one-of-a-kind, me that God created.
Why is this so hard? I’ve gotten comfortable in this skin, with the way things are now. I’ve used to how I feel. I’m not used to being strong, energetic, or letting go of the routine that I HAVE to maintain in order to stay in this place. If having the “perfect body” that everyone wants, and the world says will bring you happiness is all it takes to be content..then why am I not happy?
This is the question that propels me forward. I want it to be the last time. This time, I want to keep moving forward. I. Want. to. be. FREE! This is easy to say as I sit here in my room, having no person, magazine, style or image to compare myself to. The true test of this desire comes when I go to church, or the store or mall, when I see my friends, when I watch television. When the triggers hit me in the face.
What will I do? I will ask myself. Does it really matter? Why do we spend so much time, energy, effort and focus on the one part of our being that will not live forever? This is the question I will ask myself as the changes come and I move forward, because this time I will move forward.
How to have the Perfect Body, Abby Kelly
Moving Toward Balance: Healthy Goals, article resource
Turing Your Down into Up, book by Gregg Jantz, PhD