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Chasing Freedom

Why Don’t I Look Like That?

By August 15, 2013 2 Comments

20 (pt. 1)LetterI was 8 years old when I got my first look at pornography.

I can’t remember if I found it first or if it was my one-year-younger sister who showed me that with a bit of effort, we could climb onto an open drawer and up to the top shelf of my parents’ closet where the stack of “picture books” were. And on stay-at-home days, if my mom was working and out of the house, and I was alone, this was a ritual, something I anticipated. This was the pattern until I was 19 and accepted the Lord.

At 8 years old, I had no idea what these feelings were going on physiologically when I looked at the pictures, but I did know that when I grew up, I would look just like those beautiful women, with large breasts and curvy hips and make-up and manicured nails.

Unfortunately, my body did not cooperate. I never liked high heels or girly dresses and I never filled a bra until I was pregnant. And that “asset” was short-lived…and quickly shrank after breastfeeding ended.

Through elementary school, junior high, and high school, I wanted to be beautiful and desirable like those picture book women; not petite, not “cute”. Those pictures in my head screwed with my mind and my body image. I was disappointed each morning I put on my 32AA bra. To me, breasts made a woman a woman. In comparison, I was a boy, and at times, would spend long hours staring in the mirror, contemplating the discrepancies of my left and right facial features; one ear slightly higher, one eye a fraction smaller. I didn’t see a feminine person, I thought I should have been born a boy. Looking back, it’s scary. Do kids these days analyze themselves to that extent?

As my friends have given in to the “ideal”, getting breast augmentation, I have passed on having it done. After 2 lumpectomies (including one where the doctor asked me to come back to see how the scar healed because he had never worked on someone with such small breasts!), and the fear of cancer, you begin to see that the size of your breasts doesn’t make you more of a woman, it is the size of your heart that matters most.

I still have my moments of disillusionment, when I stand naked in front of a mirror or when I try to fit into a bathing suit top, but in general, I’m content now with what God gave me.  As I get older, those pictures in my mind have not faded, but the women in those pictures are less ideal and more a lie that Satan has tried to make me believe.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7

RELATED:

Pornography puts Holes in the Covering, by Michelle Watson, PhD, LPC

Why Aren’t Food Issues Talked About in Church, video resource

Understanding Body Types, Constance Rhodes

Join the discussion 2 Comments

  • Natalie says:

    Wow, thank-you for writing this. (I always read these blogs, but have never felt as if I ought to comment until now.) It’s so relieving to finally hear of someone who has experienced these same feelings. I used to never believe that I could be free from that trap of being so ashamed of my “never good enough body”. I used to get into these really stupid fights with my boyfriend (a soon-to-be-finance) all the time just because I felt so deeply and darkly insecure. We could both be sitting and watching TV and there could be a slight reference or a commercial and it would always be like this switch in my head would flip and I’d lose my marbles. It was such a painful place. I’d go at lengths to “punish” my body for it and would even question God about it. But you know what? It is a lie from Satan, and you do know that those women are honestly in just as dark of a place. Our culture (or maybe just humans as a race) are sexually confused and deprived – because we have long left behind what it is to be in a true and genuine (and satisfying) sexual relationship with a married partner (a relationship that’s beauty goes far beyond a bedroom in fact.) Like how this ministry is about finding balance with food, it’s another ballpark of sex being in its proper place.

    And coming from a geeky type of girl who has spent a lot of time hanging around more male friends then gal friends, I can guarantee you that those images and types of women are not the golden key to them. (Granted, there are those that are very lost in it and it shows. There’s also a lot of very gross celebrities out there who get a lot of attention for their way of thinking and lifestyle, ex: Seth Rogen – just about any movie he is in is very immature and vulgar.) but in all reality – a lot of guys view it as “not growing up” as much as being lost. They desire true love more than anything else.

    Then again, who doesn’t?

    As beautiful as all women are and as amazing as our bodies function, bodies and beauty never match up to how big and beautiful and important our hearts really are. That’s all we got in the end of it <3 and your heart in someone else's life may mean the absolute world to them one day.

  • Abby says:

    Anonymous, your words touched me so closely. My husband had an early introduction to porn and he’s struggled with the effects for so long. I would love to hug you and tell you how exquisitely beautiful you are! (P.S. I’m the tiniest cup-size, too) (-:

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